Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
