I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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