so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
