And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
