hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize