The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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