I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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