Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
