just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
