I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
