How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
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I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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