what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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