why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
