DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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