Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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