got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
