if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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