Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
