I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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