This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
