i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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