I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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