The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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