miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
