i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The uberlube is also flammable
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
