His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
