I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
