I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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