I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's always time for handjobs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
