rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
