GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
