I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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