My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
