woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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