She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
