I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
