I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
