the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
