He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
