Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
