The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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