This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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