eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
