on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
