i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
