Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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