Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
