so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
