DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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