Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
