WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
