Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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