Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
