Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
