Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
why is half of my head shaved?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
