my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
