Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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