The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
