mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
